Do you often find yourself feeling small, not good enough or just like a walking failure? Your relationship with your partner is starting to get affected by those feelings you have. You are no longer confident, and the trust you have in your partner is not of a high level. It’s all going to collapse soon if you don’t overcome the insecurity in your relationship as an insecure person.
First of all, you need to sit for a moment just by yourself and try to figure out just why you have those terrible feelings and lack of confidence. So what causes insecurity in a relationship? What causes your insecurity? dig a little deeper and ask yourself: What happened in my life that left me feeling like I’m lacking, not worthy of love, going to mess up anytime now…You name it.
In order to overcome insecurity in a relationship, one must first take a step back and try to see it from an outsider’s perspective, evaluate different points of view. You have to step out of your bubble of thoughts and look at the matter from a rational view.
The negative thoughts you have about yourself are not necessarily accurate and they might be just an exaggeration from your brain.
Let’s find out together why your insecurity in your relationship is there in the first place. Reasons beyond the impact of social media.
What Causes Insecurity In A Relationship?
Recent Failure or Rejection :
While the obvious reason behind insecurity would be past or childhood traumas or even social media. The recent events in our lives are a huge contributor to our self-esteem at the present moment.
Whether it be a not-so-friendly breakup, a constant feeling of rejection in a current relationship or outside negative factors like a “failure” in studies or career. All of those may have grown a lack of confidence.
There could also be some non-major events, that happen often and have an impact on you in the long term. Such as feeling guilty for something you have no control over, or feeling rejected in a persisting way, as if there is nothing to be liked about you. No matter how much you try to overcome insecurity in a relationship, if you have this mindset, it just won’t work.
Failure leads to low self-esteem, and low self-esteem leads to high reactiveness to failure. It’s a vicious cycle.
How to overcome this type of insecurity in a relationship?
Fortunately, there IS a way out. Here are some ways you can overcome insecurity for a better relationship with your partner:
- After a bad experience, give yourself some time to heal
- Accept the reality without blaming yourself for it
- Reach out for help: your family and friends can be comforting in those times
- Don’t lose sight of your goals, move on at your own pace
Social Anxiety is no joke, and you bet that it affects negatively your relationships. Overcoming this type of insecurity in a relationship is more complicated than the previous type, and requires a lot of patience as well as help from an understanding friend (Or a specialist if you can). Gathering points of view can be very useful.
Pay attention not to confuse your Introversion with Social Anxiety though, they are totally different things!
The reason why your social anxiety is making you feel insecure in the relationship you have with your partner (or anyone else) is that you have been for some reason accustomed to fear others and their judgments.
But the truth that you may not be aware of is, others are not constantly thinking about you and evaluating you ALL the time! In order to overcome your insecurity keep this in mind. The absolute truth is that each person is too concerned with their own flaws to actually even notice yours.
How can you work through this type of insecurity?
What you can do to overcome insecurity related to Social Anxiety:
- Don’t let the Social Anxiety monster take over your thoughts and mind: you have to respond to those negative thoughts it tells you. If it tells you nobody likes you, you name all the qualities you have as a friend/partner.
- If it helps, be prepared in advance: practice a good scenario or an Ice-breaking activity for you to be less insecure and more comfortable with others.
- Take your focus outwards: Listening to the voice in your head is banned now, look around you and try to think of things other than how socially awkward you think you are.
Perfectionism is not always a good thing! Having high standards for ourselves in everything we do is also a sign of an insecure person. Always striving for being number one in everything. When you fail to reach that unrealistic goal, your self-esteem nose dives to its lowest level.
Leaving you feeling guilty, as if you owe a perfect relationship to your partner, and you have to make it work in a perfect way, on your own, battling the monster of failure.
Sure there are some mistakes you can avoid, but don’t take it as your responsibility!
When you first caught the signs of insecurity in your relationship, and you tried to overcome it, has it ever occurred to your mind that, it may not be your fault after all?
What’s more dangerous about perfectionism, Is that you like yourself when your at your best ( which is perfectly normal). But the problem is that you hate yourself when you don’t live up to your expectations.
You know that this is the best recipe for a messed up mental health. Of course, resulting in mental disorders like Anxiety, Eating disorders and many more…
What should I do in this case?
- Evaluate yourself based on the effort you make, not on the results you get. because the first one you CAN control, while the other one not necessarily.
- Drop that All-or-nothing mindset. Life is not black or white, it’s a billion other colors and shades. And you need to understand that.
- Loving yourself should never be conditional. As I said earlier, you have no idea how toxic this love-hate relationship with yourself is.
- Your inner qualities are more important than your achievements or status or even outer beauty (as corny as it sounds, it is true).
One of the most obvious signs of insecurity in a relationship is jealousy, it’s most likely to be irrational. Those two are almost inseparable, in the next paragraph we’ll talk about how to overcome insecurity and jealousy.
How to stop the irrational jealousy, linked to insecurity
Ever heard of the legal saying: “Innocent until proved guilty”? Well, that applies in this case as well. Unless you are a 100% sure that your partner is cheating on you or dislikes you by explicitly saying it (which by the way what are you waiting for to dump his/her a**??).
There is no reason for you to get jealous. Jealousy will only weigh you down, and decrease your self-esteem even more, and you’ll end up with another never-ending cycle where you get hurt because of you.
The feeling of jealousy is actually useless, and you do not need it in your life at all. If your partner is in fact cheating (or has such intentions), your jealousy is no remedy to that.
So every time you feel that way, take a deep breath and repeat to yourself: I trust my partner, and if he/she betrays that trust it is not my fault. I seriously want you to take note of this and read it out loud until you believe it!
Remember, you guys are in a relationship because you liked each other from the beginning. Otherwise, he would have just friend zoned you…
Relationships are better when they’re full of trust. Open up to your partner about these insecurities whenever you feel ready. But pay attention not to look for ego-boosting words from them. Instead, make sure to let them know how you feel, don’t carry that weight in silence!
I hope this advice was helpful to you. Stay tuned for more love and relationship advice.
See you in the next one!
Photos from: Unsplash Pawel Szvmanski & Samuel Zeller